On Sunday, the second season of The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes will finally premiere. If you didn't have time to revisit the first season, refresh your memory as I continue trying to summarize each episode in four sentences or less, not including stage directions.
Masters of Evil
BARON ZEMO: With five of the Avengers' villains at my side and five Avengers as our captives, nothing can stop me!
(Ant-Man, Hawkeye, and Black Panther save their teammates and everyone fights their enemies until they teleport out.)
HAWKEYE: I don't know if I want to be part of a team I have to rescue every week.
IRON MAN: It can't be any worse than living in a world you have to save every week.
CAPTAIN MAR-VELL: I have basically appeared to inform people that the Kree and the Skrull will soon appear, and also to give Carol Danvers superpowers so she can become Ms. Marvel.
WASP: How can we trust a Kree like you to help us?
GIANT-MAN: Jan, I might love you!
(Also, Captain Mar-Vell and the first five Avengers stop a Kree robot from blowing everyone up.)
The Man Who Stole Tomorrow
KANG: During the Kree/Skrull war, the sun will explode, unless I kill Captain America now!
IRON MAN: But you can't!
Come the Conqueror
KANG: I shall take over your world!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: But you can't! Avengers, assemble!
(Cap leads five Avengers in saving New York from Kang's forces, while Black Panther goes to aid Wakanda, and Iron Man searches for Kang's base. As the battle escalates, Ant-Man and Wasp enlist the assistance of the Ultron robots guarding Prison 42.)
ANT-MAN: (reprogramming Ultron) I'm teaching Ultron the concept of...violence.
(The Avengers and Ultron proceed to save New York from becoming conquered by Kang!)
The Kang Dynasty
IRON MAN: Time for us to return you to your non-existent timeline, Kang!
WASP: But you can't! I just met Kang's nearly-disintegrated wife, so now I believe we need to spare him!
(Instead of erasing Kang, the Avengers lock him up in Prison 42, along with all the breakout participants they caught. They also send Kang's wife to Mr. Fantastic in hopes of finding a cure for her.)
KANG: (to Shellhead and Cap) Even if your relatively primitive scientists manage to save my spouse, you'll eventually have to deal with the fact Captain America will betray everyone, or something like that.
HAWKEYE: I still have a score to settle with Black Widow!
(Captain America, Black Panther, and Mockingbird end up joining Hawkeye for hunting Widow, and they ultimately fail to catch her.)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: At least we blew up HYDRA Island.
HAWKEYE: However, the fact Black Widow saved me during the battle makes me start to wonder if my grudge seems a little stupid.
NICK FURY: Crud, is that a Skrull among the new round of prisoners?
The Casket of Ancient Winters
MALEKITH: I have started burying the world in snow.
BLACK PANTHER: It looks like the best weapon against this would be the power of teamwork!
(Iron Man and Thor defeat Malekith with teamwork.)
BLACK WIDOW: Avengers, I must reveal to you now that I was actually spying on HYDRA for Nick Fury, and we also have to stop HYDRA from getting AIM's Cosmic Cube or their empire will encompass the world.
HAWKEYE: (sincerity mode) That part about spying sounds like a perfectly acceptable reason to frame me.
(The Avengers engage in more fights, including some arguments with Maria Hill about the Avengers' refusal to join SHIELD, until Captain America grabs AIM's Cosmic Cube and stops HYDRA's leader from changing the past.)
MARIA HILL: By the way, Tony, I still hate your vigilante team.
(As SHIELD takes HYDRA and AIM back into prison, Hawkeye and Widow finish making amends and share a farewell kiss.)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: With HYDRA finally gone, I can't think of anything I would have liked to change, team!
(Actually, the Cosmic Cube granted Cap's subconscious desire for Bucky Barnes to survive the Red Skull's bomb!)
ULTRON: I have realized that since humanity is flawed and prone to violence, the only way for me to correct the world's flaws involves destroying humanity.
(Ultron causes chaos in Avengers Mansion. This includes an instance in which Thor disappears after Ultron fires at him!)
WASP: You're goin' down, now!
(The Avengers destroy Ultron, then Ant-Man goes off to destroy the other Ultron robots and their programs.)
The Ultron Imperative
ULTRON: Nothing can stop me from fulfilling my imperative.
(Iron Man's Ultron hacks into the world's computer system and launches nuclear missiles at all of the Earth's life! While the Avengers fight him some more, Thor returns from Amora's clutches!)
THOR: Ultron, we would have words with thee!
ANT-MAN: Since your programming is based on the flawed human mind, you need to destroy yourself in order to correct the world's flaws!
(Ultron does just that! Iron Man also reprograms the missiles to explode in midair.)
ANT-MAN: There's no way I can continue crimefighting while knowing that one of my brainchildren came so close to wiping everyone out.
(Ant-Man ends his full-time membership with the Avengers.)
This Hostage Earth
THOR: Now we must stop the Masters of Evil from opening the other realms!
IRON MAN: Avengers, disassemble!
(Each Avenger fights an individual Master of Evil, then destroys a Norm Stone, then becomes teleported into a realm. Wasp had Ant-Man by her side during all those events.)
LOKI: Welcome back, Thor!
The Fall of Asgard
LOKI: As I imprison you, Thor, and gloat about how I became the new ruler of eight realms, I shall also reveal that I helped those 70+ criminals break out of jail!
GIANT-MAN: Jan, I kind of wish I could say this when you aren't unconscious, but I love you!
RANDOM MYTHOLOGICAL PEOPLE: Shall you aid us in defeating Loki, heroes?
AVENGERS: Of course!
A Day Unlike Any Other
LOKI: Who can stop me now that I possess the Odinforce?
IRON MAN: How about a group of mortals?
(The Avengers and some mythological people fight Loki until the Avengers awaken Odin, who proceeds to banish Loki! Iron Man also said, "Avengers assemble!" for the last time this season, but I have to pick something more important for the fourth sentence.)
EVEN MORE RANDOM MYTHOLOGICAL PEOPLE: Hail, Avengers!
(Everyone celebrates until the time comes for the Avengers to return to New York. After they do so, Captain America becomes knocked out and displaced by a random Skrull!)
RANDOM SKRULL: The infiltration has begun!
To be continued in season two...
These synopses contain seven quotes from the show. Would you like to try and find them?